Burning Soul

Alrighty people, Im switching over to some new journals so please, if you want to keep me on your flist add the following journals as you see fit:

dragoon_sten This will be my new main account.

lions_courage This will have all of my art and exchane communuties.

highwind_memory And last but not least, this will deal with roleplaying in general.

Thanks guys! ALSO! I have a new cell so please, ask for it or check my new journal ;)

Hello again! *laughs* Just a week to go til Im 24 and I have net! *laughs* Yes, Im looking much forward to it, and I have so much to post and share. ;)

Lesse, I backed up into my Dad;s truck earlier this week. x-x

I had a deep depression but crawled out of it.

I decided Im going to college next year! Im going in for vet tech classes. Gonna do soemthing with my life yanno?

Art's been goin well, very well! Ill have an assload of works to upload.

Uhm... loosing weight apparently! Who knew?

Went to the doctor, had my foot looked at, blood taken. Not fun.

Discovered the meaning behind Id's name and what her true name is.

Still looking for my own. x-x

Realized that I wish to research religeons and alchemy when I come back, study a bit on different beliefs.

And er... thats it I think. A few muses grew up with me sort to speak, and yeah, these are the stories Ill share when I get back. Take care everyone, miss you all terribly!

Well, less than a month to go! *laughs* Ive been kinda depressed lately, but been taking steps to get over it bit by bit. Art sure hasnt suffered for it though, cant wait to show ya guys!

Mom and I are looking into soemthing new for me, taking college courses. Though aheh, nopt sure what I would be good at or should do. I guess thats for me to find out, so wish me luck tehre!

Anyways, just a quickie entry here. RPwise guys I will start brand new scenes for all my charries when I return, I cant seem to get into it right now with this off and on thing. So bear with me okay! ;)

Anyways, see ya guys soon!

...Man I cant believe Im gonna be 24 soon...

Im still alive, I swear! *laughs* No uhm, its just that I cant use the net often, or else Im obsessed. > > Thin wire Im a walkin, but Ill definitly be connected again come August Seventh. Hope everythings going well!

Gooood Im bored. *laughs* Going though old games. Beat Sly Cooper, what an awesome game. Going through .Hack and Xenigears now. Im on the fourthy disc in the one, lots of fun. Muses have been a swirling, should have ref sheets for almost everyone of my charries when I get back :P

Anyways, I should be calling people more I think ;) I have my phone still, so if I call dont have a heart attack. Just anotehr month to go guys and Ill see ya real soon!

Love Talenyn!

Well, Im updating from the computer at the library. x-x;;; Anyways, its only gfor a month or two, but Im missing you guys already soemthing awful! *laughs* Ill have LOADS of art to make up for it though, promise ;) Anyways, its not so bad really. Im gonna try calling people more and whatnot.

Im still debating on whetehr I need to come back with a different name or just make the entry friends only... same thing with DA. Id hate to give up all the history I already have tehre though! *laughs*

Aaaaanyways, still trying to get into the swing of things. Took everyone out driving today, it went quite well! Mwahaha! No screaming or tires popping, my family said I did quite well and that makes me one happy camper.

Had a creepy dream, post it later. A muse and a name have moved on, and ve never seen ehr so happy. (Which makes me happy, hard as it was to let go.)

Ill prolly better update this thing sometime later, just trying to get everything done with being timed and all. One hour sessions. *laughs* At least the keyboards here are easy to use. ;)

ope you all are doing well and uhm, catch ya later! Kyracil, rps will be up shortly okay? And Lis, replying to things now ;)

Well... Ive come to a desicion about everything thats occured thus far. The person, who wrote the letter. Ill admit Im a bit nervous on the whole thing as well. When I was a moderator at the guild I heard my share of stories. The guys almost three times my age, and tahts saying a lot. He mentioned being lonely and all...

...And soemtimes I have to wonder. Do I trust too much? Do I allow myself to be... blinded by the light I try to see in others? No matter how dark the soul... I try to see light. And I wonder, I fear, that that will one day be my undoing.

Besides that, I have pressure from known areas as well. She wnats a bit of peace. So we reached a comprimise of sorts. I told her MOnday I'll have the net turned on, but keep my phoneline. Two months from now, on my birthday, it will be my gift to me to have it reinstalled.

...When I do, I'll have a new AIMname and I'll lay to rest my old one once and for all. The new one will be handed out to a very close circle, those I have talked to before, heard their voices basicly.

This isnt goodbye, not in the least. The library can be found within driving distance, I'll be going tehre every day after work to keep rps and such going, reply in this LJ. Ill miss ya guys on AIM thought. *Huggles everyone close*

As Seto said in a recent rp, Bohao. Not goodbye, but see you later.

Ill be using the time to create some nice artstuffs yanno, some stories to type?

Lis, Ill be replying to rps tomorrow.
Kyracil, Tomorrow I shall set our rps at dragoon eyes temporailly, if anything to keep my muses from going crazy these next two months. Wont be as fast but, it works right?

AND GUYS! LEAVE ME NUMBERS SO I CAL CALL YA! COMMENTS SCREENED!

In the end... its my desicion this one. I'll miss ya all and remember, my emails always open too okay? Take care. *nods*

Well after a three hour battle at the optomistrist we were never able to get a correct pair of contacts even in. ><;;; Says I have narrow eye openings or soemthing like that. *sighs*

My folks have been uber paranoid about my driving, its kinda cute. o_o

Im slightly worried however. Ya see, my folks are in a tozzy because this... person from some time ago wroyte to us and lives nearby, asking to come visit and saying hes lonely. They already watch every 'net stalker' show on tv, so tehyre kinda paranoid. *sighs*

I never gave him my addy. THAT much Im sure on. However, theyre saying now theyre gonna cut off net access in the house a few months, over the summer. ...I didnt do anything wrong. I think its their excuse to cut it, despite me being responsible.

Its... not right. *shakes head*

But...

Anyways, sometimes I wonder if I let the folks have too much reign over what I do. Im 23, and I still have to ask permission before I go, let them know where I am, call when I get to work. I know tehyre just worried for me really. And I appreciate it. But where draws the line I wonder?

I hope they dont cut the net, its really become my sanctuary. My way of keeping sane.

WOOT! *laughs* Alright, so we've had a busy day today. Remember how yesterday I got my license? Well we ran into one small problem. See, the lil red car that is the family loamer kinda doesnt steer anymore among otehr things! So basicly I had a license but no car!

Enter today. Dad wanted to take me out early to go hunting for cars. We ve had our eye on this lil blue car for a time, but got into it today and it was FAR from comfortable! *laughs* The steering wheel was trying to kill me I swear!

So we go to the next place, this lil place run out of someones home I think. O_o Anyways, the lil red car I really liked the style but it never liked ME. If that makes sense ;) This one was also a beretta, but a beautiful silverblue in color. Problem was, they werent there so we had to come back. x-x

So we came back with Mom, who drive it. It drove well, good AC! All it was missing was a rear mirror which the OTHER car had. So basicly, a few transferring of parts and VIOLA!

*jumps a bit* So anyways, it had 1895 but the guy agreed to 1600 cash for it. We went to my bank, pulled out 1800, and paid for the car, tags, and taxes. There was quite a bit of traffic there however so Dad agreed to drive it halfway. I paid for the gas, and we dropped it at the halfway point. My sib took the side and off we went!

But I tell ya, I almost literally pissed myself! Mom told me to follow her, which I did. But right as we pulled out a semi came towards us (keep in mind I was in the process of turning) at more than 80 MPH! Now, one says their life is supposed to flash, but mine didnt. My mind went 'HOLY CRAP! GUN IT! GUN IT!' Which is what I did, so we were alright and safe, just wide awake. Anyways, after a smooth drive home, its safe now as are we.

Gotthe insurance and car in my folk's name, but its all paid for. I have a license, its insured, its legal. And its mine. Lil silver blue with powder blue interior chevy bereeta, 96, 84,000 miles.

I'll let ya in on a secret. I had it namedthe first time I saw it. Corny, but I call it Quicksilver, Silver so short. I guess every time I pull out I can say "Hi ho Silver! Awaaaaay!" :3 But its just really exciting for me, feels like a big step!

Mom was like My brains gonna explode! First this, Catie's a senior..." Yeah, lots of changes. But...

Everything moves forward as Ive said before.

I'll have to post pics for y'all later :3

I promised how I would tell you guys about today, how things went, no matter how bad. *sighs* Scraping up both the back and front of my own Mother's car. Tears enough to drown in. More frustration than I ever thought I could out up with. The disappointed look in my mom's eyes after we worked so hard.

After all that we finally got it today! Okay, I did. *laughs* But I coudlnt have done it without her either. Everything went so smoothly for once. I kept waiting for myself to make a mistake. Just one. Just one. As we got closer and closer however, I could see it wasnt coming.

Nice feeling not having your permit handed back to you. Or bursting out in tears in the midst of strangers. After, we parked the car the tester and I. She smiled for once, and said, "I think I can finally give you some good news."

So yeah, we go from blue to red, and I wont have to worry about this for anotehr ten years. It was a good learning experience all in all I think and... Im just relieved. So relieved.

Thanks to everyone for supporting me. *Grins* You guys rock.

Sometimes when she walks, silent, she wonders if her words and her will, her ways, will be erased with a single word. She wonders if everything she's worked so hard to be, everything's shes worked so hard to build up, will vanish with a single look.

They hold that kind of power to her. They all do. Looking from the cracks, commanding her will, all from the luxory of their thrones. She takes it, but Im not certain why. She just... takes it. Answers to their whims and their requests, such is the bond of blood I suppose.

*smiles* Life moves on, and it can only move forward, ya know? Tomorrow morning I try again on the driver's test, sixth time now. *laughs* I'll tell ya how it goes...

I dont normally dream, I believe everyone and their brother knows this by now. *laughs* But last night, I did dream. And what a bizarre dream it was! I dont remember everything of course, but I'll type up what I do remember. Bizarre stuff ahead to say the least! *laughs*

I remember that I was in the bathroom, and there were three fishtanks. Two of them were half filled, I mean, not the normal level at all, with schools happily swimming within them. The third however and highest had a HUGE, Im talking 3-4 footer, brown and white catfish inside. There was no water, and the catfish just flopped around, flop flop flop, never stop.

For one part, I was in a train with otehrs from my family I believe. And I remember that this train ran side by side with a roller coaster. It never flipped, but the rails would go up and down. It ran on strange tracks as well, merely two thin tracks of red metal. There were no bars between, just those two tracks. And beside us, the roller coaster which one could always see.

Another part I remember vaguely mentioned there was water running right through the middle of South Carolina, and we had to get to an island in the center for some reason. That part's vague to say the least.

But the first two parts were very vivid, I mean like you're actually there vivid. I dont remember the details, I do remember it feeling liek reality however, and the fact I wasnt alone.

Now I remember why I dont dream *laughs* My dreams are crackfilled. But still, a fun ride nonetheless. I dont think any of it means squat, but thought I would type it up here nontheless considering the rarity of dreams. :)

It was a voice now that whispered into her ears, a hand that clung onto her shoulder. As close to her as her shadow, looming over and trying to blot out the light. It was that which spoke of failure, of worthlessness, of abandonment. Of tears, of loss, of spite, of uselessness. Etheral... yet as real as her own hand. An extension of herself, and yet seperate.

She could hear it speak no matter where she was. Hear the hateful words that tried to bring her down into the darkness with it. The words that rang true... and yet laced with twisted rhetoric. Slanted, biased, words that reflected one side and one side alone.

It clung ever closer, hoping to find a crack, hoping to break her. Twisting the words of friends. It promised her she would be alone. They would all leave, Every last person. That she would be better off to accept it. To just close her heart and walk away. To learn to live with the reality that was life. The words grew harsher, stronger, everyday. Cruel.

And everyday it spoke to her, she told it the same thing. Everytime it tried to twist her thinking, she told it the same thing.

Fuck the hell off.

Well I suppose its time for another update on this journal huh guys? *laughs* It's been an interesting day of sorts. Week really. After the driving incident, Mom hasnt let me drive her carm, stating if I'm to try again I'll have to drive my own car. We currently havent had any luck finding one, or for that matter fixing the red car. So for the past week, no driving. Which has really been a bummer to me I'll freely admit.

Anyways, today before work Mom says to me Hey, get to sleep early, we'll go out driving tomorrow okay? I merely stopped in my tracks. Did she change her mind? If so why? Not that I should question mind you, its just my moms the type of person who doesnt usually change her mind. So yeah, no AIM for me tonight so that I may get to bed at least a bit earlier.

I really wish to get that license yanno?

Had a customer try to pull a fast one... god I HATE it when they try to do things like that. I dont have STOOOPID on my forehead. No. Like I woudlnt notice the price was about ten dollars off and the wrong BRAND to boot? Puh.

It just amuses me. *shakes head* Anyways, I'm off ;) Got to get that sleep in. *laughs* Wow, theres a rarity :3

That was crushing. x-x It seems like every time I take the test, my nerves get the better of me, I clench up... and soemthing bad just happens. Something I normally get right, but the one time will fail and fail spectacularly.

Today, it was parralel parking. The first time I was certain I had it right but she wished it to be straighter so we went back around to try again. On the way out I hit the barricade, scraping it against the front of Mom's car.

So yeah, wanna guess who failed again?

Mom was so upset... mad and dissapointed. I told her... I would pay for the damages done to the car. THAT was a given. She trusted me with the car and I let her down. It'll cost 8-900 dollars... about a month and a half worth of pay. But, it was my fault. There's noone else to blame. Its my responsibility and when they take it in I shall pay for it.

*Curls up slightly* I really... thought I had it this time. But I royally blew it. Maybe I really shoudlnt be driving I guess. Im not sure.

For now, Im just trying to keep away from Mom, doing the chores in my room and such. In any case, I dont think she eitehr wants or needs to see the sight of myself right now. That cars her baby, yanno? Deep down, I really do wish someone would provide the comfort, dry these tears, and say hey, youll do better next time. Just relax, smile for me will ya?

...But thats never the case. I let her down. I let myself down. I let... I let all of them down this time and all the others as well.

Sometimes, I really do wish I could just take the feathers and scatter them to the Hells.

Arooo?!? As an old friend of mine would say. Heh, this amuses me muchly.

NOW I remember why I dont watch that particular show, Ghost Whisperer. Its very strong, thoughtwise I mean. Especially tonight's, which dealt with a plane crash and the hundreds of victims on board. Those who decided to go into the light... and the few who stayed.

Anyways, Its funny these sort of things. My father was commented on how much of an idiot those who left had been, those who went to Hell. I smiled, shaking my head. They hadnt been idiots I told him... they had been human. Taking the path which sounded past, soundest easiest to them. Instead of walking nto a path that was unknown, the light, following an illusive figure they knew, really, next to nothing about. Promise them a few things... and people WILL follow. Thats the sad thing. Or is that just cynical thinking on MY part?

But it wasnt that I was thinking about, but rather something Ive always had trouble dealing with. Anyways, the show makes you think about the dead. And I find myself idly wondering how many of the Bonds I know are well... yanno. Kinda unsettling thought, but then, a lot of them, I really dont know. You dont know how they arrived, or the why eitehr. They simply do. Which makes one wonder, why them?

But Im going off on a tangent again. *laughs* I have to be early tomorrow folks, so until then take care!

Well, results are in. *sighed* Failed again, but this time it wasnt exactly my fault per se. Well, it was and it wasnt. We were to switch lanes ad I looke dover my shoulder... but somehow I still missed it. There was a car there, right behind me, in the blindspot.

My consolation cookie is that Im told to come back the next day I can, which is Tuesday, instead of waiting a month to retake, because everything else I did well on. Still fruustrating though. x-x;

So after a mucho streesful day I wont even get into, tomorrow I go in to try for my driver's license again. Third time's the charm maybe? I realy do hope so, I have like no nails left at this point! *laughs*

Art goes well, writing as well, and well, life moves on.

Er... odd question but has anyone heard from Drea? O_o;;; Is she still on hiatus?

Anywho, so yes, wish me luck again please :) Also, I learned that for some reason it seems with most things, I cant simply talk about it outright, I always talk in riddles, specially when its important. *Blinks* Wonder when I picked that habit up?

Anyways, take care everyone, and well, we'll se how THIS attempt goes :3

Wow, I crashed last night. I mean, normally I get into my jammies and talk to my pals on the computer with a can of soda before I wiggle underneath the covers and go into bed. You know, its an evening ritual. :)

Anyways, as some know the day before yesteday I worked until ten. I was up chatting with people to try and relax, but the earliest I got into bed was like... 230. My alarm was set for 500, because I had to be at work at 700. So I was moving on two and a half hours of sleep. Boy was that not smart of me, because I felt it aaaaaall day. *sighs*

Anyways, soemtime after half eating, I crashed onto my bed dressed and all. This was ike at 8 or so, and you see what time I woke up! *Laughs* So yeah, if anyone wonders thats where I am. :)

Oh, spent all day apologizing to my art muse, Karrot. But ya see, when muses like Karrot few words are involved. He loves working on art for otehrs as do I, and yesterday we had a HUGE arguement over he drawing of porn. So I worked on giftart all day yesterday, and still have a few to do. :) Hope the recipients like em!

Anyways, now I go to catch up on the world around me. Oyvies I hate crashing. But I guess my body said enough ><;;;

Mmmm... a lot of thoughts to share with people today. Anyways, it was an interesting day at work a few days ago. Now normally I DESPISE training new people. Why? After you get your share of er... idiots it naturally happens I think. That and Im waaaay over protective of my drawer! I pride myself in being highly accurate. Anyways, so we're idly chatting and she asks me:

"I have a question! Your sense of humor... are you an anime fan?" What followed next was a loooong convo about Advent Children, movies, anime, manga... and Deviant Art! She shared a lot of my interests, and I mean a LOT! *smiles* We traded phone numbers and all, but I was standing there in awe. Someone didnt see me as annoying, or dull, or boring. In fact... they saw me as interesting!

That really stunned me, I mean downright flabbergasted me. She suggested one day we should get togetehr and draw, which was just plain awesome. And today, she asked me if I played D and D! Lis knows, but Ive wanted to get into D and D for awhile. Anyways, yeah, I was like blown out of the water! Like the holy crap kind!

Ahem, but yeah, that made me happy alot. I guess its God's consolation rize for all the shit beforehand ;)

Lesse, what else, what else. Its funny how much you learn at the hands of anotehr at times. Ive always kinda... despised myself. Ive wanted to be the tough talking, foul mouthed, drinking kick your ass and eat nails for breakfast kind of person. A take no names, jump in there fighter. GRIFF. But thinking today upon recent events, I realized something.

Thats not nearly who I am. *Shakes head* I swear as much as the next person, I drink maybe once a year and have never been drunk, I dont kick ass... I heal. I dont talk loud, I listen. And when I open up, I actually smile and enjoy myself. I can joke, I can laugh. I can smile. Seems so easy to realize, but Im not Griff. Nosiree, at at all. She has her gifts... and I have mine. There's nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with being the healer.

Nothing wrong at all. So form now on... I work on being me. *laughs* Well alright, I stop pretending at just... be.

Does that make any sense?

Anyways, I leave you all with a small anecdote...

Last night stayed up waaaaay too late as a certain muse was being a dumbass! Anyways, Rod was being real emo that night, and Leona as usual decided to brighten things up. Next thing I know, being sung to The Hustle Song, was "Do the Emo! Do do do doodoodoo..." And at every pause doing a special emop face to accentuate the song. Oh god, I was sitting tehre rollin. Paid for it today with lil sleep, but it made my day again. :3